


Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 05:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15260202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Series XII silliness.  Lister is popular wherever he goes, and Rimmer can’t help but notice and react in his own Rimmery way.





	Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster

It had been a long, exhausting couple of days, starting with the discovery of the Helium-7 moon Rimmer had claimed for the JMC and christened after himself, and culminating in a precipitous flight from the absolute nutters of the SS Encomium. Relaxing at last, Lister was lounging on the sofa in the bunkroom, playing “Grand Theft Auto Mimas” and savoring his third or fifth (but, really, who keeps track of such things?) lager of the evening. As he took an appreciative slug from the can, he noted that Rimmer had been uncharacteristically silent for hours. Accustomed as he was to Rimmer’s constant kvetching and lecturing as background noise, Lister decided that this state of affairs wouldn’t do, and paused his game.

“Rimmer?”

No response from the hologram, who was seated at the table, thumbing through his well-worn “Astro Navigation For Idiots” book.

“Rimmer!”

No reply.

“Oi! Smeghead!”

Rimmer rewarded him with a furrowed brow and a glare, but still said nothing.

Lister sighed, wondering what odd notion had burrowed its way into his partner’s head now and happily taken up residence in his neurosis-ridden psyche. It couldn’t be self-criticism, he reasoned, as Rimmer’s Inner Critic had suffered a well-deserved beating earlier that day, and was presumably temporarily out of commission. Therefore, Rimmer had to be reacting to some perceived transgression on Lister’s part. Again. 

Annoyed, Lister set down his can and his game controller, hauled himself up off the couch, and padded across the floor to stand by Rimmer, arms folded. “Mind telling me what all this is about? What have I done to cross you now, Your Nibs?”

Staring resolutely at his book, Rimmer finally replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“This silent treatment! You haven’t said three words to me since we got off that damn ship! What has you smegged off now?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“And I’m Queen of the smegging May. Spit it out, man - what’s eating you?”

Turning on his stool to face Lister, Rimmer looked at him for a long moment, then snapped, “I can’t take you anywhere.”

“Eh?”

“You heard me. I can’t take you anywhere. Everywhere we go, some bloody fool takes notice of you, and you do nothing to discourage it.”

Lister stared at his partner, slack-jawed with astonishment. “What in the hell...?”

His hologram stared back, nostrils flaring and nose beginning to scrunch up. “Oh, don’t play coy with me, Lister. It doesn’t suit you. You know exactly what I mean. That Ziggy lunatic was certainly interested, and you encouraged his attention!”

“Hold up, mate! Are you seriously accusing me of flirting with that giant twat?”

“He told you your accent is ‘cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll,’ and you didn’t tell him to smeg off. Instead, you just batted those big, brown eyes at him. How is that not flirting?”

“Like hell I was! Rimmer...!”

“Don’t you ‘Rimmer’ me, Listy! You know I’m correct! What about your little jam session with Hitler? Oh, excuse me - ‘Dolphy’ - after all, everyone uses pet names for people in whom they have no interest whatsoever!”

“He was a droid! We were just playin’ guitar! I never get to play here at home without you moaning at me! It’s not like I was sleepin’ with him! Why the smeg am I even arguing with you over this? This is ridiculous!”

“No, it isn’t! You go around encouraging the attentions of all these other men, and don’t once stop to think what that does to me! How you’re making me feel! Do you think I enjoy watching you flirting with other men, miladdo?”

“Oh my God, you’re jealous. You’re actually smegging jealous!” Lister couldn’t suppress his smirk. 

“I am not - OK, yes, I am! Why shouldn’t I be? You’re mine, yet everyone else tries to win you away from me! You’re a...”

What Lister was, he never found out, as he silenced his ranting partner with a highly amused kiss.


End file.
